Took some advice

I did it for once.. even tho I was still a blabbering idiot.. but I just was my self talked like I normally she was laughing a lot which was nice, she has a beautiful smile.. but was nice met someone for once without fucking up completely.. not gonna lie anxiety was through the roof.

I gave in..

That new blade I got felt great... the cut's amazing... felt so good to release.. to feel so much pain... I miss her brand of pain tho... felt so much better.. I'd go through anything to see her happy but she doesn't need me..

I'd even accept false love right now.. someone to hold.. cuddle... talk to.. sleep with.. a friend. a fuck buddy.. or someone who is just down for that kind of relationship being serious.. but what ever.. I just want something.. need something to hold onto.. until then my blood will flow when I need to release.. when I feel like kicking someone into a wall..

Ready to die.

I'm not planning to kill my self.. never would plan would just do it in the moment.. I'm ready to die anytime... Only reason I am not is I like my pain .. I'll bleed my self slowly... i'll make me suffer.. I hate me.. I hate life.. Just got used again.. And again.. AND AGAIN!..  how slitting my throat sound's beautiful... the sweet edge of my blade running down... How I hate trying to be happy... No one want's me.. I don't even want me... I'm fucked up.. messed up.. derranged.. can anyone help me... save me... Razorblade Salvation...

Long time..

It's been awhile I know.. Been having a hard time, med's are weird... still smoking hard.. just need someone to cuddle with..  Keep thinking about her off and on.. almost detatched to it.. just miss the feeling is all.

Need a job.. need money... going to hurt my credit...  FUCK!... life's difficult... I hate it.. have a hard time juggling even the smiplest of thing's... fuck I'm useless some time's.. I try tho.. I do..

Peace out, The BlackMage..

Update of med's

Well I'm to the point the med's have been doubled to settle into me.. I feel alright i guess.. thought's have subsided a bit, not as constant.. still a bit down.. thought's of her don't plague me the way they did but they do still hurt.. I gave up trying to quit.. I'm baiscally addicted to pot.. i need it.. want it.. make's me feel better. makes life easier to function.. for the moment.. I've been single for 4 fucking year's.. havn't been with anyone since her.. such a long time ago...

I can't meet anyone.. I'm afraid.. I wnnt someone.. but I fear.. I'm just me I'm boring.. plain.. I'm just a pet...
that's how it feel's anyway's.. I hold my own.. but still.. just a pet.. need attention.. alot i'm starved for it.. in more way than one..

I'm going to keep pushing keep striving.. keep my head above the water.. just have to make it a little more.. hopefully it get's better..

The BlackMage. 

A trip down the rabbit hole.

Just was laying back, stoned out of my mind, could't move a muscle ... everything was calm  and moved with a grace, time felt like nothing and drifted into space.

oil take me home, take me to where it all make's sense.. the burning coating in the lung's, the ragged gasp for breath the tickle the tight squeeze... I need air.. I can't fully breathe without coughing.. I love it... so stoned... everything buzz's... cost to much to smoke like this.

I've gotten lazy with this

I know I havn't typed up a whole lot as of late... been dealing with thing's will have a  more detailed
blog with more updates of how my head is, with the med's and what not.. .

Confusion, alright

So confused this last little bit.. But my thought's are clearing up... only thing tho is I don't know wether or not I really miss her or am I still just wounded... ethier way My arm's are still empty . ..

To the Doctor's I go..

And I have finally fallen.. I need help, need something to get me by.. All I can do is think about hurt and pain.. Fuck.. hopefully they can do something for once

The BlackMage

Realization

And as I sit here I realized.. she is no longer there anymore.. The only part of her alive is in my head.. She's Dead..

Fail, but I did it..

Well quitting smoking was a fail bought a pack first thing this morning. got sent home from work with another fucking migraine. went to the walk in clinic and got treated for that found a family doctor. now i have a physical on tuesday, then have to go to the psychyatric ward for some other shit.. I finally did it.. talking to doctor's again.. I need some kind of help now.. I'm ready to do it.. Just to be rid of pain of her..