There's this girl.

Well there's this girl.. she's got my head messed up..  she has this smile that make's everything race.. She is absolutly beautiful.. I've only known her for a short time but something about has my mind on nothing else.. Just hope she feel's something similar.. I dunno.. Maybe i'll ask her tomorrow..

Took some advice

I did it for once.. even tho I was still a blabbering idiot.. but I just was my self talked like I normally she was laughing a lot which was nice, she has a beautiful smile.. but was nice met someone for once without fucking up completely.. not gonna lie anxiety was through the roof.

I gave in..

That new blade I got felt great... the cut's amazing... felt so good to release.. to feel so much pain... I miss her brand of pain tho... felt so much better.. I'd go through anything to see her happy but she doesn't need me..

I'd even accept false love right now.. someone to hold.. cuddle... talk to.. sleep with.. a friend. a fuck buddy.. or someone who is just down for that kind of relationship being serious.. but what ever.. I just want something.. need something to hold onto.. until then my blood will flow when I need to release.. when I feel like kicking someone into a wall..

Ready to die.

I'm not planning to kill my self.. never would plan would just do it in the moment.. I'm ready to die anytime... Only reason I am not is I like my pain .. I'll bleed my self slowly... i'll make me suffer.. I hate me.. I hate life.. Just got used again.. And again.. AND AGAIN!..  how slitting my throat sound's beautiful... the sweet edge of my blade running down... How I hate trying to be happy... No one want's me.. I don't even want me... I'm fucked up.. messed up.. derranged.. can anyone help me... save me... Razorblade Salvation...

Long time..

It's been awhile I know.. Been having a hard time, med's are weird... still smoking hard.. just need someone to cuddle with..  Keep thinking about her off and on.. almost detatched to it.. just miss the feeling is all.

Need a job.. need money... going to hurt my credit...  FUCK!... life's difficult... I hate it.. have a hard time juggling even the smiplest of thing's... fuck I'm useless some time's.. I try tho.. I do..

Peace out, The BlackMage..

Update of med's

Well I'm to the point the med's have been doubled to settle into me.. I feel alright i guess.. thought's have subsided a bit, not as constant.. still a bit down.. thought's of her don't plague me the way they did but they do still hurt.. I gave up trying to quit.. I'm baiscally addicted to pot.. i need it.. want it.. make's me feel better. makes life easier to function.. for the moment.. I've been single for 4 fucking year's.. havn't been with anyone since her.. such a long time ago...

I can't meet anyone.. I'm afraid.. I wnnt someone.. but I fear.. I'm just me I'm boring.. plain.. I'm just a pet...
that's how it feel's anyway's.. I hold my own.. but still.. just a pet.. need attention.. alot i'm starved for it.. in more way than one..

I'm going to keep pushing keep striving.. keep my head above the water.. just have to make it a little more.. hopefully it get's better..

The BlackMage. 

A trip down the rabbit hole.

Just was laying back, stoned out of my mind, could't move a muscle ... everything was calm  and moved with a grace, time felt like nothing and drifted into space.

oil take me home, take me to where it all make's sense.. the burning coating in the lung's, the ragged gasp for breath the tickle the tight squeeze... I need air.. I can't fully breathe without coughing.. I love it... so stoned... everything buzz's... cost to much to smoke like this.

I've gotten lazy with this

I know I havn't typed up a whole lot as of late... been dealing with thing's will have a  more detailed
blog with more updates of how my head is, with the med's and what not.. .

Confusion, alright

So confused this last little bit.. But my thought's are clearing up... only thing tho is I don't know wether or not I really miss her or am I still just wounded... ethier way My arm's are still empty . ..

To the Doctor's I go..

And I have finally fallen.. I need help, need something to get me by.. All I can do is think about hurt and pain.. Fuck.. hopefully they can do something for once

The BlackMage

Realization

And as I sit here I realized.. she is no longer there anymore.. The only part of her alive is in my head.. She's Dead..

Fail, but I did it..

Well quitting smoking was a fail bought a pack first thing this morning. got sent home from work with another fucking migraine. went to the walk in clinic and got treated for that found a family doctor. now i have a physical on tuesday, then have to go to the psychyatric ward for some other shit.. I finally did it.. talking to doctor's again.. I need some kind of help now.. I'm ready to do it.. Just to be rid of pain of her..

Oct 30/2012 6:24 pm Quiting

I'm going to try to quit smoking cig's as of now

I hate him

Well I have a lot of thought's as usual. So many  thought's I'm able to section of part of me and tottally destroy it.. I'm deciding wether or not I should just kill him completely off.. It's his fault.. I refer to "him" because it's just a part of who I used to be.. Someone who was weak, fat, soft.. Cared a little bit to much..
He got us hurt. Made us try to save everyone.. sacrificed everything for another.. would of done anything for them.. Now I fight over just destroying everything that gave me meaning, or keeping it, struggling with it, just for the memory's I don't wish to lose.. They hurt, but feel so good because it was the one time in my life.. I was ok, was happy.. and Now I trudge through this war, chest deep in mud. I work, I drink, I smoke.. Repeat.. Everyday... It is 1 of few reason's I havm't just gave into my thought's of taking my knife, just to feel something.. Even more from just taking my life.. it's been considered for a very long time but I've alway's dealt with it, Tried many thing's for it.. nothing bad just some prescription shit on a high level stupid doctor. weed, oil, hash, shrroom's. None of that chem shit for me.. and of course alcohol. I found alcohol and herb's does best. But I've gone off topic a bit, it happen's.


I'm lost, and don't know what to do. And know one can save me but my self.. If I so choose to do.. But I don't know if I can, if I want to. I havn't even been able to move on, I have tried, but nothing.. No Interest..
It's never been so hard to try to hate someone.. I admit I'm a negative person but see thing's for how they are. I don't sugar coat thing's. I'm used to hating people. been an outcast all my life and my parent's only used me against eachother.. one ignored me and didn't stand up for me.. The other is a Fat Tyranical Cunt.. she was nothing but abusive.. more mentally then physically..after awhile when I started defending my self..
I was taught to hate my self.. Why is it so hard to hate someone who's put me in more pain than any one..

More than anything.. I just don't want to lose my friend.. I miss talking to her.. I admitted it there.. happy..
I do.. I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless. alone.. I've never been more afraid in my life, because it hasn't been a day I can't remember that I havn't at least thought of some kind of death..  I've considered it alot.. I don't really want to die.. I want something more in life.. but it seem's so much easier if I was just gone.. No more worrying about me.. anyone.. people may remember me for a bit but I will fade.. No that's not true.. I have a few I know would keep me in mind.. they help me stay some what stable..

I don't even know exactly what I want anymore.. just need something.. I think she'd lose it if she read any of this.. I'm sorry.. I should of never even said anything in the first place.. But I've alway's been here to help. .and it's hard not being able to do a thing.. for a friend.. for someone who is cared about a lot. Worry about you constantly..

All of this make's it hard to decide to just kill him or not.. I hate him.. despise him for what he put's me through with these thought's.. But he isn't weak..it's one of the best part's of me.. with out him, I would be but a Beast.. I am me. as seperated as my mind is, I understand that I have to work with all my thought's and understand who Is me and what is not. but have to be careful what I decide is not me.. or me...

Should she go.. should I do it.. don't think I can bring my self to do it.. She helped me change to who I am.. I would lose everything..

Typical..

Well it's 7:13 am where I am right now woke up at 6 for work.
Mother fucker didn't show up for pick up again.. fucking useless bastard's hate relying
on other's. They are useless. don't consider other's needing to get to work and make money..

but a part of me didn't want him to show up.. wanted to sleep, wanted to do nothing.. Depression is
running high and I don't want to do fuck all.. Life's got me down..

"They make a dollar, I make a dime, That's why I shit on company time"

The BlackMage

Constant thought's..

Will I ever forget her? Has she forgotton about me? How much more pain shall I endure to find someone who doesn't only want me for the now? Will I be able to resist so many urge's much longer? When will I be at peace? If I was to die would I truly be missed? would I fade like everything else, lost and forgot?
 Has she realized who this is?

So many question's.. So many thought's... So overwhelming..

I've forgiven her.. for the pain I've been put through.. For wanting to be with someone else.. For taking my love.. For killing him completely off.. But I don't know if I could ever forgive you for leaving me behind completely.. To feel as if my friendship meant nothing to you.. To feel like I was treated by everyone else and abandoned..  For not at least giving me a chance.. but I never will have another chance.. don't want me.. I don't even fucking want me, why should anyone else.. Just a Psycological fuck up.. A beast that need's to be kept chained....

I hope this start's helping me... just keep typing what I need to.. what I think.. I never know how these are gonna turn out until I start..

How I wish I had my chance in life.. Just to prove I am something.. Something to someone.. To be somebody..

“There is magic in sincere forgiveness; in the forgiveness you give, but more so in the forgiveness you receive.”

―Temple of the Winds: Chapter 41, page 318 By Terry Goodkind

Your's Truly, 

The BlackMage

Nothing is ever easy

Wishing I could forget about her right now.. fighting the overwhelming urge to destroy my knuckles on the wall.. to rip up my chest with my hunting knife.. As much as I wish to feel it all I know it's not good.. I'm self destructive.. I've lost everything in LIfe and only wish to get something of it back.. but yet I'm lost..

Going day by day trying to figure out what your pushing for is immensly stressful.. working as an insulator I work with a big knife to rip through the insulation.. Every single day I look at it and think how easy it would be to rip my throat out with it.. But I force it back.. I'm stronger than that voice in there. I'm may be broken, battered, bruised.. just a shell of once was.. But I'm strong in way's other's could only imagine.. I'll push through it.. just to see some kind of light at the end.. I don't know if I will ever see even the tiniest glimpse.. when I think I do, it's just a false hope. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be a round me.. I'm a handful. Psychotic, Neurotic, and a little bit nut's.


As much as they've changed.. I'd still do anything for them.. It's my nature.. What else am I supposed to do..
No matter what happens in life, how much damage will be done to me, how much betrayal I will take before giving into my lust for hate.. I will fight it and be the bigger man and accept all for who they are no matter what.. will help where I see change is wanted.. No matter how much poison I will drink to help someone else I'll die at least saving 1.. My life is meaningless to me. What meaning is there to something with next to what feel's nothing.

It's not what I need, I know it's selfish in a way but, everyone say's happiness is important.. I just want to be happy.. even if it will be in my own deluded world..


I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what is everything, do not be fooled by what I am saying.  Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying.  ~Charles C. Finn

The BlackMage. 

A Second Try

Well I had a blog once before, but deleted for various reason's.
You may call me The BlackMage if you'd like. I just prefer to keep me out of this.
Tho some may recongize some thing's but I will leave all name's disclosed for this is just
an escape for me... I'm consistantly thinking non-stop, multiple thought's at the same time,
and it does become overwhelming. I need a way to release some of it some way, this is why
i've come back. It doesn't really matter if anyone choose's to read this or not.
But if there is any reader's out there read with an open mind. You may judge if you wish
and come up with your own thought's about who I am. Some of my thought's may be of
self harm among other various thought's of violence. But I have control of who I am, with out medication.

 But that's not true, I am a heavy smoker, smoke weed every day. Take's the pain away to an extent,
make's every thing melt away.. Numb.. It's nice when all the stress can just go for just a single moment.
I do apologize for my thought's tend to wander in and out of various subject's at a time and it may seem off track.. But eventually evertything will come together and you will understand it how I see thing's.. how my mind is a struggle to keep everything in a steady line.. trying not to lose it.. But I try hard..

My story is long, painful, and a psychological fuck up. I've been to doctor's in which they've agreed I'm
Bi-Polar... I'll explain what it is in another entry but for now it isn't easy to handle at time's.. Sucidal thought's and self harm are normally alway's there.. Knowing I can resist it and think through it properly make's me feel strong.. It's wearing me down.. I manage to thrive tho in society,  as much as I don't like it. I go to work every day, make my money. I'm an Insulator for a company that build's mod's I'm the only insulator in the building. It has it's upside's and it's down side's but it's good work. Sorry wandered off with my thought's again tend's to happen. I type as I think and I am not going to correct anything that come's out.. I want to read back. think it through.. Try to help me understand me more.. I feel so lost and alone.. and don't know what to do..

I don't want to die.. But I hate life.. I have a few good bro's. They don't know how deep these thought's go but they have some idea of who I am. I want to understand me.. Need to.. I need to stop suriving and start Living... But I carry a lot of guilt, betrayal, hurt, heart ache, abandonment.. As much as I wish to hate the person I can't. As much as I wish the thought's of them would go they won't. I drink to much, Smoke a hell of a lot.. Oil, Hash, Weed.. Do shroom's every couple of month's.. and in truth they are the only time's I'm at peace with my self in some way.. I don't know where i'm going with any of this at the moment.. but I'll soon find out hopefully. Maybe. Don't know..

One last thing to my reader's and as a reminder to my self I like quote's and philosophy, and will try to put at least one at the bottom of every entry.. as a reminder of something. For my First I have 2 I wish to put on..

Among creatures born into chaos, a majority will imagine an order, a minority will question the order, and the rest will be pronounced insane.  ~Robert Brault


No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head.  ~Terry Josephson

Your's Truly, The BlackMage.