A Second Try

Well I had a blog once before, but deleted for various reason's.
You may call me The BlackMage if you'd like. I just prefer to keep me out of this.
Tho some may recongize some thing's but I will leave all name's disclosed for this is just
an escape for me... I'm consistantly thinking non-stop, multiple thought's at the same time,
and it does become overwhelming. I need a way to release some of it some way, this is why
i've come back. It doesn't really matter if anyone choose's to read this or not.
But if there is any reader's out there read with an open mind. You may judge if you wish
and come up with your own thought's about who I am. Some of my thought's may be of
self harm among other various thought's of violence. But I have control of who I am, with out medication.

 But that's not true, I am a heavy smoker, smoke weed every day. Take's the pain away to an extent,
make's every thing melt away.. Numb.. It's nice when all the stress can just go for just a single moment.
I do apologize for my thought's tend to wander in and out of various subject's at a time and it may seem off track.. But eventually evertything will come together and you will understand it how I see thing's.. how my mind is a struggle to keep everything in a steady line.. trying not to lose it.. But I try hard..

My story is long, painful, and a psychological fuck up. I've been to doctor's in which they've agreed I'm
Bi-Polar... I'll explain what it is in another entry but for now it isn't easy to handle at time's.. Sucidal thought's and self harm are normally alway's there.. Knowing I can resist it and think through it properly make's me feel strong.. It's wearing me down.. I manage to thrive tho in society,  as much as I don't like it. I go to work every day, make my money. I'm an Insulator for a company that build's mod's I'm the only insulator in the building. It has it's upside's and it's down side's but it's good work. Sorry wandered off with my thought's again tend's to happen. I type as I think and I am not going to correct anything that come's out.. I want to read back. think it through.. Try to help me understand me more.. I feel so lost and alone.. and don't know what to do..

I don't want to die.. But I hate life.. I have a few good bro's. They don't know how deep these thought's go but they have some idea of who I am. I want to understand me.. Need to.. I need to stop suriving and start Living... But I carry a lot of guilt, betrayal, hurt, heart ache, abandonment.. As much as I wish to hate the person I can't. As much as I wish the thought's of them would go they won't. I drink to much, Smoke a hell of a lot.. Oil, Hash, Weed.. Do shroom's every couple of month's.. and in truth they are the only time's I'm at peace with my self in some way.. I don't know where i'm going with any of this at the moment.. but I'll soon find out hopefully. Maybe. Don't know..

One last thing to my reader's and as a reminder to my self I like quote's and philosophy, and will try to put at least one at the bottom of every entry.. as a reminder of something. For my First I have 2 I wish to put on..

Among creatures born into chaos, a majority will imagine an order, a minority will question the order, and the rest will be pronounced insane.  ~Robert Brault


No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head.  ~Terry Josephson

Your's Truly, The BlackMage.