Twisted thought

Been having a bit of a twisted thought as of late.. I'm enjoying where other's still are in there live's. Mine's gotten better due to acceptance and hard work. While other's are working themselve's to a grave, degrading  there body's and mind to nothing. I could of helped a lot of these people, but they didn't want me. kicked me to the curb and left me for dead. I stand here, tall and proud of what I have managed to do without you.

I enjoy watching you struggle...  only because of how much pain you put me through will I savor it...


The BlackMage.

missing pain..

Fuck I miss pain.. That is all.. that's all that needs to be said,  I just fucking miss the feel of a blade..

One-Eyed Jack

Well One-Eyed Jack here, persona I've taken on while I only have on lense in my glasses. Learned I'm not able to wear contact's the other day eye's are to small. so blind till I get my glasses. I'm slowly losing everything again, my head is all over the place.. I want to be free of these thought's. All of them are useless to me now.I've managed to do it tho.. You don't mean anything to me anymore.. and I don't know how to feel about it. I'm relieved that I'm not held down by you anymore, but at the same time I'm losing something that was good. I have lot's of time to make more good If I make it that far in life.

How I crave to rip me up a little bit tho... Even more so that I want to hurt other's. The Beast has died, and was replaced with something much worse.. I'll manage as I have alway's done.. I only did it because You don't need me.. You never needed me I guess.. all those beautiful word's spoken and now I see how ugly they've become.. Did I only speak the truth to you, or was everything you said to me the lie i've come to believe now -_-

But I'm out for now, thought's are running to quick and threatening to collapse in on themselve's.

The BlackMage.

Another Day

Another day come and gone. Surprised at how well this medication is working for me, next to no anxiety anymore. It's a shame tho even with them I still want my memory's to burn... I don't want them anymore.. why should I keep them.. they only made me so much of who I am.. But I don't know.. as much as it pain's me to consitantly think of where I went wrong.. and what I was put through because of other's fear..

meh.. I guess I'll live with them knowing I'm just second rate... One day someone will want me for me and not hold out like I have all these year's.. There is this one girl that has wrapped herself around my mind, only have met her once but she's smart, gorgeous, and has already accepted me at my worst. I just hope thing's work out for once in my favor on this. But we will see where it goes.

Until then I'm going to suffocate these memory's and lay them to rest.. thought's of you are more painful.. I gave unconditional love and I still wasn't good enough.. So much for "love"...

Normality..

Well new med's making me feel pretty good, but still hasn't helped with some thought's. guess nothing will for those but losing them entirely.. Old memory's that I don't wish to remember.. people I want to forget.. have to forget..  They arn't helping me now anymore.. only making me dig deeper and deeper. have to let go.. Only wanted to love someone and it has only ended in pain.. I wasn't good enough for anyone.. but maybe this new person will be. Who am I? What am I to do?.. You meant everything to me and now I want to lose you.. just so I can be happy and move on.

I'm sorry... But the well that once kept me alive has been poisoned and I'm tired of drinking the water..
Goodbye. The Beast..

The BlackMage is better anyway's.. at least he isn't a fuck up yet.

Still kickin..

Well I'm still alive, resisted all the urge I had to just do away with my self.. still fighting it but the new med's help somewhat.. but still have a violent rage on the inside.. I don't know why.. what's frustrating me so..

strange.. normally can alway's place the anger somewhere.. just mad for no reason?.. well let's not break anyone knuckle's now..

Why am I still here..

well once again it's been awhile.. just really stressed at the moment. angry for no reason.. pissed.. I despise a lot of thing's right now.. I don't know how much longer I can keep pushing like this.. havn't felt a knife in a long time.. breaking knuckles isn't the same feeling.. and only so many time's can one break them before they are useless..

I'm to the point I'm almost welcoming death.. contemplating more and more.. I just want to be able to function like everyone else in this bloody world...

Who know's if these are going to be my last word's or not.. could be tonight for all I know..

But to whom may possilby be reading this, I don't know what to say to you anymore.. The Beast has died out.. and has been replaced with something new, and worse.. I'm not fit to live this life much longer like this..
part of me still misses you. but it's all starting to fade away.. like everything else good it's almost gone.. I'm empty..

Know I fought hard and long..

The BlackMage