Wishing I could forget about her right now.. fighting the overwhelming urge to destroy my knuckles on the wall.. to rip up my chest with my hunting knife.. As much as I wish to feel it all I know it's not good.. I'm self destructive.. I've lost everything in LIfe and only wish to get something of it back.. but yet I'm lost..
Going day by day trying to figure out what your pushing for is immensly stressful.. working as an insulator I work with a big knife to rip through the insulation.. Every single day I look at it and think how easy it would be to rip my throat out with it.. But I force it back.. I'm stronger than that voice in there. I'm may be broken, battered, bruised.. just a shell of once was.. But I'm strong in way's other's could only imagine.. I'll push through it.. just to see some kind of light at the end.. I don't know if I will ever see even the tiniest glimpse.. when I think I do, it's just a false hope. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be a round me.. I'm a handful. Psychotic, Neurotic, and a little bit nut's.
As much as they've changed.. I'd still do anything for them.. It's my nature.. What else am I supposed to do..
No matter what happens in life, how much damage will be done to me, how much betrayal I will take before giving into my lust for hate.. I will fight it and be the bigger man and accept all for who they are no matter what.. will help where I see change is wanted.. No matter how much poison I will drink to help someone else I'll die at least saving 1.. My life is meaningless to me. What meaning is there to something with next to what feel's nothing.
It's not what I need, I know it's selfish in a way but, everyone say's happiness is important.. I just want to be happy.. even if it will be in my own deluded world..
I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what is
everything, do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen
carefully and try to hear what I am not saying. ~Charles C. Finn
The BlackMage.
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