I hate him

Well I have a lot of thought's as usual. So many  thought's I'm able to section of part of me and tottally destroy it.. I'm deciding wether or not I should just kill him completely off.. It's his fault.. I refer to "him" because it's just a part of who I used to be.. Someone who was weak, fat, soft.. Cared a little bit to much..
He got us hurt. Made us try to save everyone.. sacrificed everything for another.. would of done anything for them.. Now I fight over just destroying everything that gave me meaning, or keeping it, struggling with it, just for the memory's I don't wish to lose.. They hurt, but feel so good because it was the one time in my life.. I was ok, was happy.. and Now I trudge through this war, chest deep in mud. I work, I drink, I smoke.. Repeat.. Everyday... It is 1 of few reason's I havm't just gave into my thought's of taking my knife, just to feel something.. Even more from just taking my life.. it's been considered for a very long time but I've alway's dealt with it, Tried many thing's for it.. nothing bad just some prescription shit on a high level stupid doctor. weed, oil, hash, shrroom's. None of that chem shit for me.. and of course alcohol. I found alcohol and herb's does best. But I've gone off topic a bit, it happen's.


I'm lost, and don't know what to do. And know one can save me but my self.. If I so choose to do.. But I don't know if I can, if I want to. I havn't even been able to move on, I have tried, but nothing.. No Interest..
It's never been so hard to try to hate someone.. I admit I'm a negative person but see thing's for how they are. I don't sugar coat thing's. I'm used to hating people. been an outcast all my life and my parent's only used me against eachother.. one ignored me and didn't stand up for me.. The other is a Fat Tyranical Cunt.. she was nothing but abusive.. more mentally then physically..after awhile when I started defending my self..
I was taught to hate my self.. Why is it so hard to hate someone who's put me in more pain than any one..

More than anything.. I just don't want to lose my friend.. I miss talking to her.. I admitted it there.. happy..
I do.. I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless. alone.. I've never been more afraid in my life, because it hasn't been a day I can't remember that I havn't at least thought of some kind of death..  I've considered it alot.. I don't really want to die.. I want something more in life.. but it seem's so much easier if I was just gone.. No more worrying about me.. anyone.. people may remember me for a bit but I will fade.. No that's not true.. I have a few I know would keep me in mind.. they help me stay some what stable..

I don't even know exactly what I want anymore.. just need something.. I think she'd lose it if she read any of this.. I'm sorry.. I should of never even said anything in the first place.. But I've alway's been here to help. .and it's hard not being able to do a thing.. for a friend.. for someone who is cared about a lot. Worry about you constantly..

All of this make's it hard to decide to just kill him or not.. I hate him.. despise him for what he put's me through with these thought's.. But he isn't weak..it's one of the best part's of me.. with out him, I would be but a Beast.. I am me. as seperated as my mind is, I understand that I have to work with all my thought's and understand who Is me and what is not. but have to be careful what I decide is not me.. or me...

Should she go.. should I do it.. don't think I can bring my self to do it.. She helped me change to who I am.. I would lose everything..