Still kickin..

Well I'm still alive, resisted all the urge I had to just do away with my self.. still fighting it but the new med's help somewhat.. but still have a violent rage on the inside.. I don't know why.. what's frustrating me so..

strange.. normally can alway's place the anger somewhere.. just mad for no reason?.. well let's not break anyone knuckle's now..

Why am I still here..

well once again it's been awhile.. just really stressed at the moment. angry for no reason.. pissed.. I despise a lot of thing's right now.. I don't know how much longer I can keep pushing like this.. havn't felt a knife in a long time.. breaking knuckles isn't the same feeling.. and only so many time's can one break them before they are useless..

I'm to the point I'm almost welcoming death.. contemplating more and more.. I just want to be able to function like everyone else in this bloody world...

Who know's if these are going to be my last word's or not.. could be tonight for all I know..

But to whom may possilby be reading this, I don't know what to say to you anymore.. The Beast has died out.. and has been replaced with something new, and worse.. I'm not fit to live this life much longer like this..
part of me still misses you. but it's all starting to fade away.. like everything else good it's almost gone.. I'm empty..

Know I fought hard and long..

The BlackMage

Long time no talk

Well I'm just gonna just type off the fly here it's been awhile.. a lot has been going on a lot of new med's and breakdowns. I do my best on a daily baisis to stay sane but that doens't always work.. i'm doped up all the time on ativan because that's what my doctor wants for my anxiety.. I like it but I hate it... What i hate more is not having her in my life.. as much pain as we have cause eachother... as many of her recent choice's that she/s made cut me to piece's I still want her... even if it is in pain... I feel I want her pain... even if i'm just a false fantasy world my dear alice... I'm still a world in which is your's...  Love the Black Mage..

There's this girl.

Well there's this girl.. she's got my head messed up..  she has this smile that make's everything race.. She is absolutly beautiful.. I've only known her for a short time but something about has my mind on nothing else.. Just hope she feel's something similar.. I dunno.. Maybe i'll ask her tomorrow..

Took some advice

I did it for once.. even tho I was still a blabbering idiot.. but I just was my self talked like I normally she was laughing a lot which was nice, she has a beautiful smile.. but was nice met someone for once without fucking up completely.. not gonna lie anxiety was through the roof.

I gave in..

That new blade I got felt great... the cut's amazing... felt so good to release.. to feel so much pain... I miss her brand of pain tho... felt so much better.. I'd go through anything to see her happy but she doesn't need me..

I'd even accept false love right now.. someone to hold.. cuddle... talk to.. sleep with.. a friend. a fuck buddy.. or someone who is just down for that kind of relationship being serious.. but what ever.. I just want something.. need something to hold onto.. until then my blood will flow when I need to release.. when I feel like kicking someone into a wall..

Ready to die.

I'm not planning to kill my self.. never would plan would just do it in the moment.. I'm ready to die anytime... Only reason I am not is I like my pain .. I'll bleed my self slowly... i'll make me suffer.. I hate me.. I hate life.. Just got used again.. And again.. AND AGAIN!..  how slitting my throat sound's beautiful... the sweet edge of my blade running down... How I hate trying to be happy... No one want's me.. I don't even want me... I'm fucked up.. messed up.. derranged.. can anyone help me... save me... Razorblade Salvation...